I’m too old for this @#$!

So as I write this it’s 10:46 p.m. on Friday January 6th. In about an hour and fourteen minutes I’ll officially be 39 years old. I don’t usually get reflective on my birthdays but I’m feeling that way this year. Last year I pretty much ignored my birthday because I was busy getting my sister-in-law from the airport and planning for my wife’s memorial service on the 8th. This year, I honestly don’t have any plans for my birthday and don’t really care to make any, it pretty much just feels like another day.

It’s funny, when I was younger birthday’s were a big deal, I used to look forward and dread them both. That’s one of the things about being a January birthday, especially when it’s early in the year. Another reason an early birthday sucks is you don’t really have anything to look forward to till later in the year. I mean yeah there’s Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day but when your young you don’t really care about those.  The big holidays weren’t until the summer time, months away!

Of course if the me know could talk to the me then..well there would be much to discuss. If someone had told me when I was 16 or even 18 what my life would be like at 39 I’d probably have laughed at them. When I was that age, I knew it all. I had my life planned out, I was gonna go to college, be married and have my own house and kids by the time I was this age. Funny how life has a way of throwing curve balls at you.

If I had known then that I’d be a widower at 37, I’d have laughed at whoever told me that. If I had known would I have done things different? Would I have still made that first phone call to talk to Michelle? I think I would have. I cherish the memories and times we had together and I miss her every day.  Would I have made different choices at other points in my life? Honestly I don’t know. They say that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, a cliche I know but I do think the things we go through in our lives make us who we are.  Would I have told my parents to take better care of themselves and have taken better care of myself as well? I hope so. So much happened in my life that could have been prevented. If only my Dad had gone to the doctors sooner, if only that guy hadn’t broken into my parent’s house and attacked my Mom or the door had been locked, if only Michelle…so many if onlys.

Didn’t mean for this to turn into a pity blog but I guess it kinda turned out that way, sorry about that.  One of my resolutions was to blog more, maybe I’ll finally get around to doing part to of my beer review. I still have the beer, just haven’t cracked it open yet. I’ll try to make my next post more upbeat, I promise I’ve just been feeling reflecting about getting older. And for those of you who are gonna say “39 isn’t that old” or “age is just a number” etc, etc I know that, and appreciate the sentiment but if it’s not how old you are, it’s how old you feel then I feel ancient.