So since I lack a dependable internet connection at home lately I’ve been dependent on the free connection at the library. I don’t know how long it’s been since some of you have been to the library but they’ve changed quite a bit over the last few years. For starters there are specific sections now just for teenagers which happens to be the area where the tables are for people to set up laptops on.
I’m not sure at exactly what point I turned into a cranky old man but the kids that were at the library that day were loud and obnoxious as hell!
Well let me rephrase that, they were loud and obnoxious until this man showed up!
Okay, that’s really accurate but the guy looked an awful lot like him. Keep this picture in mind when you read the rest of this post.
I know that most of the people who read my blog also read the others listed on my blog roll and are familiar or at least know about Guise. Guise is a wonderful person, he really is! I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed the packages of goodies he’s sent me but don’t let him fool you, Guise is an evil, evil man!!
He comes off as a mild mannered, polite Brit but in actuality Guise will try to get you killed by Creepy Child Molester Man at the first opportunity. I know the blog has been kind of rambling up to this point but what follow is the transcript between Guise and I on one of my reent trips to the library. *Some names have been left out just because I can.
Me (3:00:51 PM): My connections not even safe at the library!! XD
Guise Dugal (3:01:52 PM): heh, revenge of the tweeners
Me (3:02:28 PM): Undoubtedly so!!! Little bastards were waiting for me to be in the middle of something and then sabotaged me!!!
Me (3:03:15 PM): although “Creepy child molester man” just scared all the tweeners off!!
Guise Dugal (3:03:33 PM): like all kids, just waiting to lull you in to false sense of security
Guise Dugal (3:04:23 PM): “creepy child molester man”, now there is a superhero gimmick…”Quick, to the Molestmobile!”
Me (3:05:23 PM): LMAO!! I’m serious he’s creepy as hell!! he’s wearing a suit and tie but carrying a radio and went straight to the kiddie section of the library!!
Me (3:06:01 PM): his exact words (I kid you not) were “What’s up guys? You remember me?”
Guise Dugal (3:06:39 PM): his molester-senses were tingling…and he frequently gets that tingling sensation…
Me (3:07:54 PM): I think you may be right!! And even better? Guess who he decides to set up shop by?
Guise Dugal (3:09:13 PM): heh, just remember “With great molestation comes great prosecutionability”
Me (3:10:02 PM): XD!! That’s too funny. I guess I don’t have to worry too much though, I’m a little old for him
Me (3:10:39 PM): He looks kind of like Martin Short, it’s really creepy!!
Guise Dugal (3:10:55 PM): is it too light out for him to see the MolestSignal in the sky…a silhouette of a hand holding a bag of candy…
Me (3:11:22 PM): your gonna get me in trouble!! he’s decided to talk to me and I’m trying not to laugh!!
Guise Dugal (3:12:02 PM): “so…is that spandex costume dry clean only…?”
Me (3:12:37 PM): XD your an evil, evil man!!!
Guise Dugal (3:12:57 PM): “…not a lot of men can pull off multi-coloured polka dots and gold y-fronts and booties..you amongst them”
Me (3:13:43 PM): If you don’t hear from me after today, tell the police to look out for Martin Short in a suit and carrying a boom box!!
Guise Dugal (3:14:19 PM): that’s one hell of a secret identity
Me (3:14:31 PM): indeed it is!!
Me (3:15:17 PM): God help me!! He’s just weird!!! I just hope I don’t feel a strange hand anywhere on me!!
Guise Dugal (3:16:02 PM): it’s a good thing he’s not a villain…I mean, what if his molestation powers be put to evil…The Fiddler…
Me (3:16:37 PM): You are so gonna get me killed!!
Guise Dugal (3:20:53 PM): “oh no, there are children in the kiddies section reading books without supervision, this looks like a job for… ” yes, mild-mannered Martin Short impersonator by day, but once he plays his magical boom-box he turns in to the superhero “…Creepy Child Molester Man! There isn’t a moment to spare, I just hope I packed enough pocket-warmed jelly babies!”
Me (3:21:57 PM): Yep, I’m a dead man!! I totally lost it on that one!! He’s giving his best Martin Short WTF look right now
Guise Dugal (3:23:26 PM): does this make you an arch-nemesis?
Me (3:24:28 PM): Hmmm what would my villain” name be I wonder?
Guise Dugal (3:25:41 PM): hm, the dastardly, the insidious…Innocent Bystander!
Guise Dugal (3:27:54 PM): Innocent Bystander and Creepy Child Molester Man, locked in constant turmoil as they each try to win the heart and soul of the Library
Me (3:29:19 PM): I just hope he’s not standing over my shoulder reading this with binoculars from the check out counter
Me (3:29:36 PM): Uh oh!! CCMM just made another move on the tweeners!!
Guise Dugal (3:31:05 PM): that’s not just the check out counter…that’s his secret lair…where he ‘checks out’ the citizens to ensure that his special molestation powers are not needed…
Me (3:32:21 PM): He’s back and insisting on talking to me!! I think he’s trying to figure out if I’ve caught on to his plans or not
Me (3:32:38 PM): I would take a picture with my phone but I’m afraid he’d kill me!!
Guise Dugal (3:32:55 PM): maybe he wants to make you his sidekick and not his enemy!
Me (3:33:38 PM): 0_0
Me (3:33:45 PM): that’s wrong on so many levels!!!
Guise Dugal (3:34:05 PM): his old sidekick may have been killed or moved on to become a hero in his own right, he’s just looking for a new Indecent Exposure Boy
Guise Dugal (3:36:24 PM): phew, still alive
Me (3:37:02 PM): I think his previous sidekick may have ben arrested!! I kid you not he’s at a table with two pre-teen girls chatting them up!!
Guise Dugal (3:37:48 PM): …are there no adults supervising?
Me (3:38:20 PM): there’s an occasional appearance by the cute librarian but other than that no.
Guise Dugal (3:43:46 PM): “well, gee golly Creepy Child Molester Man, it must be sure fun being a superhero,” “why yes, it is…but it’s also a lot of hard work, in fact, the only way I can keep my molestation powers up are to take my vitamins and drink my milk” “gosh, I never knew it was so important…I want to be just like you when I’m older, Creepy Child Molestation Man!” “Well, why not come out to my van in the parking lot, I’ll show you some of my super powers…by the way, do you like tootsie-rolls?”
Me (3:44:44 PM): He’s literally standing at the head of the table with his leg up on the chair right next to them. Oh and his name is Joseph! (help me!!)
Me (3:58:43 PM): He’s back!!!!!
Guise Dugal (4:00:13 PM): yeah, but you are still alive…which is a huge relief, I think XXXX might be a little miffed at me if I was to get you killed or violated…I mean, I’m sure she’d understand eventually, but I’m not sure how I’d break it to her
Me (4:00:27 PM): Gee thanks!
Guise Dugal (4:01:51 PM): “There was an incident at the Library involving Dan…a costumed character with molestation superpowers…and a copy of the book ‘The Very Hungry Caterpiller’…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
Me (4:02:36 PM): Evidently he’s decided to try his powers of persuasion on me now. Despite the fact that I have headphones on.
Guise Dugal (4:04:50 PM): no-one can resist the Master of Molestation, the Forefather of Fiddling, the Dynamic Diddler…
Me (4:05:38 PM): Remind me to hurt you for this when I see you. He’s giving me the stare again.
Guise Dugal (4:06:29 PM): sure that’s not him practicing the superpower ‘x-rated vision’?
Me (4:06:43 PM): Ewwww!!!!
Guise Dugal (4:08:37 PM): …yes, Creepy Child Molestation Man’s x-rated vision allows him to see through clothes, no matter how many layers to whatever undergarments his mind puts you in or even to just bare skin…with this ability he’s able to seek honesty and see the naked truth
Me (4:09:04 PM): He still lives with Mommy too!
Guise Dugal (4:09:23 PM): stately Short basement?
Me (4:09:47 PM): Undoubtedly!!
Me (4:13:16 PM): He’s a bible thumper too evidently. He’s a molester for God!
Guise Dugal (4:14:07 PM): Diddling for Jeebus?
Me (4:14:23 PM): that’s what it’s sounding like
Me (4:17:26 PM): Oh how I wish you were in the States, I’d call you and let you hear this.
Guise Dugal (4:18:27 PM): would you really, really want me on the phone right now?
Me (4:18:44 PM): XD probably not!! We’d both end up dead!!
Guise Dugal (4:20:33 PM): heh, yeah…pretty sure it’d be a death warrant, and with me dead too who would tell XXXX what happened…she’d never know the truth…or she might become a villain herself to exact revenge on CCMM
Me (4:21:04 PM): The Mad Texan!!!
Me (4:22:52 PM): He’s back to Tweeners now. Thank Jeebus!
Guise Dugal (4:31:11 PM): martin short as mad hatter scares me…scares me baaaaad
Me (4:31:39 PM): And honestly that’s what he kind of looks like!!! The teeth and everything!!!
Guise Dugal (4:31:46 PM): oh man
Me (4:32:07 PM): I was gonna reference that but I wasn’t sure if you’d seen it or not
Guise Dugal (4:33:47 PM): heh, well…i know it now, wish i didn’t…
Me (4:34:33 PM): at least you don’t have the real life version staring at you across the table!!
Guise Dugal (4:41:31 PM): well, I’m gonna try and get a bit of sleep…you be careful and take care, hopefully catch you soon
Me (4:42:14 PM): Thanks! I hope you get some rest and get to feeling better. I think I’ll be leaving here soon myself, not crazy about the company!!
Guise Dugal (4:42:32 PM): but the company sure is crazy!
Me (4:42:45 PM): You got that right!!!
Guise Dugal (4:43:08 PM): take it easy, all the best to XXXX…get out of there alive and unmolested!
Me (4:43:26 PM): I’ll do my best! Cheers!
Guise Dugal went away at 4:43:40 PM.