Old School vs New School Part II March 24, 2008
Posted by Dan in Movies, Rants.trackback
Well it looks like Hollywood was hit by the recent writer’s strike harder than we thought, I just ran across a list of movies Hollywood plans on “reimagining” and folks it ain’t pretty. Hold your breath or your nose as the case may be because I’m sure that some of these will be stinkers. I’m not gonna list them all, just some of the ones that stick out to me, if you wanna see the entire list check out http://www.denofgeek.com/movies/15211/38_planned_movie_remakes_you_didnt_know_about.html
Battle Royale: They are gonna screw this one up so bad it’s not even funny. If you haven’t seen the original do yourself a favor and rent it. It’s set in the not too distant future in Japan, classes of high school students are chosen at random to be transported to an island in the middle of nowhere and given a backpack with a map, supplies and in some cases a weapon. The rules are simple, it’s kill or be killed. At the end of 48 hours if your the sole survivor you win, if there are more than one survivor then everyone dies. It sounds brutal and it really is but it’s well worth watching.
The Evil Dead: According to scuttlebutt Sam Raimi is going to direct and exec produce along with Bruce Campbell so hopefully this one won’t suck but I gotta be honest with you I’m skeptical.
Friday The 13th/Last House On The Left/A Nightmare On Elm Street/Hellraiser: For the love of God why?! Clive Barker is working on the Hellraiser remake but word has it that Doug Bradley is out as Pinhead. WHAT?! He IS Pinhead! How can you leave him out of the remake? And Michael Bay doing Nightmare? Hollywood what have we done to piss you off that you would do this to us? Whatever it is I apologize! Please stop this travesty now!!
The Warriors: Warriors! Come out and……….you know what? Never mind. Stay where you are, or better yet run far, far away and hide.
Howard Stern’s Porky’s: The title says it all. I just…I have nothing to say about this one.
Footloose: Seriously?
Like I said there are numerous others but I don’t know that I can stomach to list them here. I feel……I feel dirty. I’m gonna go take a shower now and drink some Listerine to get the bad taste out of my mouth. Be afraid people, be very afraid.
Dan
Hellraiser, I could quite see even with a new Pinhead, as long as Clive Barker is seriously involved and not just given a credit. I’d actually prefer if they just did it as a straight port of Hellbound Heart and dropped the Hellraiser name though.
Battle Royale, in my view this could only work if they went overboard and gave you a standard movie and then released a real time DVD allowing you to follow each person. Between 1 and 48 hours per person, choice of camera angles. But heck, that’s how I’d like to see Death Race done too.
Footloose, as long as it doesn’t screw up my Bacon Number, I’m cool.
Among the others:
The Shadow - Couldn’t be much worse than before, right? Might be an improvement
Starfighter - DAMN IT!
Knight Rider - Original creator, might be viewable.
Conan The Barbarian - Hm, could work, though I’d rather just a new Conan story. No Arnie, please.
Logan’s Run - Hm, might actually be ok if they update it to grittiness only, not fiddle with the story.
Death Wish - Apt name for the Stallone vehicle.
Tron - Damn it.
Clash of the Titans - But…but…but…CLASSIC MOVIE, NO PISS ON GRAVE!
Akira - DAMN IT
The Birds - Just…no.
Westworld - I loved this movie, but now I’m scared.
Escape From New York - The people behind T3?! DAMN IT!
Short Circuit - OH CRAP.
1984 - Hm, could be good, most likely not.
The Dirty Dozen - Oh please, don’t let them touch this. Next they’ll be sodomising The Great Escape.
I just don’t see them doing Battle Royale justice, it was such an over the top violent movie involving kids, with the post-Columbine world we live in I just don’t see it being done well. Funny thing about Kevin Bacon is I’m insanely good at the Six Degree’s of Kevin Bacon game. I guess I watch too many movies!
I agree with you they should leave The Last Starfighter and Clash of the Titans alone! Those two were classics when I was growing up, I can’t tell you how many times I saw Clash when I was younger. I’m hoping that Tron will be more of a sequel than a redo but I guess we’ll see. And yeah they should leave The Dirty Dozen alone but odds are it’s gonna get the dreaded R word too.
What’s with the asian horror remakes is what I wanna know. That and HOW DARE THEY REMAKE MY SASSY GIRL. ><
A Evil Dead remake won’t be a deliciously gritty. And I’ll bet they’ll take out the tree rape scene. Or worse: try to improve it.
It gets worse. There are talks of doing an American Death Note remake. (In case you don’t know, it’s a Japanese comic that got made into an anime and some live action movies.) I’m sorry but NO.
Damn you, Hollywood. We spend our hard-earned cash on your movies and all you give us in return is crap. It’s why I only go to see movies that I KNOW will be good. You know, voting with your dollars and all that.
I had heard about this but was hoping it had limped off somewhere to die but it doesn’t sound that way. And I agree, where are the new innovative movies we used to get excited about? If Hollywood keeps cannibalizing old ideas soon there won’t be anything left to “reimagine”!